Coping with COVID-19 - Part 5: Staying Connected with Your Kids

Caring for our kids means helping them to feel safe, comforted when anxious or sad and above all, loved. However, in order to do this effectively especially during this time of stress (but really, any time), we as parents need to first make sure that we ourselves feel safe, secure and loved – hence, the emphasis on safety, emotional regulation and supportive relationships. Remember the standard instructions from the flight attendant – “Put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping your children.” This applies to parenting in general. Thus, we parents need to adequately address our own anxieties in order to engage in the reflective functioning I described in an earlier blog. That is, mirror and validate your children’s emotions. Talk to them about what’s going on for them personally and about their fears and anxieties. While young children may need to be protected from newscasts which could escalate their anxieties, older children may respond better to actual discussions with you about COVID-19. Follow your child’s lead on that.

Then, find ways to console them. Depending upon their age, encourage them to draw pictures of what is worrying them or help them each morning to plan their day or periodically schedule family meetings so everyone can talk about what’s bugging them.[1]

One basis for creating a sense of safety and well-being for our children is to establish some structure and predictability – especially in these very unusual times when school has been disbanded, when playdates are not an option, when sports and other extracurricular activities are not allowed, and when parents are themselves upended in their work schedules or, even worse, furloughed, laid off and worried about their income. Consequently, regular bedtimes, a good diet, physical activity and exercise in whatever form is possible, and a routine scheduled time and opportunity for kids to interact with friends online or on the phone are essential. While some attention to school work is great, spending time reading to and playing with your kids is even more important. Above all, “don’t sweat the small stuff.” As parents and kids alike are going stir crazy, the next few months will not be the season for academic or athletic accomplishments – success in your household may be measured more realistically by keeping the noise and chaos down to a low roar and hoping that siblings don’t kill each other! On the other hand, this time of shelter-in-place can potentially contribute to some very intermittent but special occasions of parent-child bonding.

A supportive partner relationship is also really important for facilitating a good parent-child relationship. Therefore, as I mentioned previously, parents should make sure to create some boundaries of time and space for themselves separate from their children. Obviously, being a single parent makes this all even harder, thus requiring even more diligence about staying in touch with your own friends or family who can be an outlet for you to vent your worries or frustrations. This emphasis on finding your own support from a partner or peers will help guarantee that you won’t find yourself relying upon your children to provide this emotional support. Although this slowly changes as your child ages, even in adulthood parenting is a one-way relationship; parents need to provide emotional support for their children – not so much the other way around.

[1] Wiseman, R. (April 9, 2020). You and your kids can’t stand each other. Now what? New York Times. https://nyti.ms/3aYQ8jw.